Tuesday, June 5, 2007

A Hairscratcher--for many reasons...

Florida Gator head basketball coach Billy Donovan, fresh off two national championships, recently made a life-changing decision. He chose to go to the next level (the NBA for those who don't know about useless sports jargon.) But then he got tired of making up his mind for good.

Because what happened next shocked the sports world. Sure, he went to a conference in Orlando, where he accepted the job and signed a $27.5 million contract to coach the Magic. He was given a standing ovation. I believe they even offered him a bag of peanuts on the flight over.

There was love in the air. Perhaps undergarments of both sexes were tossed haphazardly into the brilliant sky...

Then--he changed his mind again as if this all were a game of Parcheesi. (Well, the 'cheesi' part is right, I must say.)

He went back to Gainesville to tell his fans how he'd always remember them, how the University of Florida is the greatest thing since moldy cheese. And with no more than that spoken, he reasoned he couldn't leave moldy cheese-land. Because he himself made it into what it is. He lifted it from the depths and cultivated a land of reason where fans didn't have to dip nachos in stuff that looks and tastes like it came from between my father's feet.

Basically, he noticed how he loved Florida, how they cried for him, how he never really wanted to leave and how the Orlando Magic conned (editor's note: 'conned' is for emphasis only, they didn't really.) him into being there.

So now Donovan (appropriately or inappropriately nicknamed Eddie Munster, depending on your favorite team, of course) is trying to get back to the University of Florida. I guess I hope he does. Death to moldy cheese...

As an LSU fan, I have no opinion on this. Florida will kick our ass anyway because we dribble the ball off our feet. (It takes real talent for a whole team to do that...)

But the following from an ESPN article, I believe, is the funniest thing of it all:

According to the source, Donovan said (to 'high-ranking' team officials) {editor's note: who is this? the ballboy?}, "I'm so sorry this happened. I meant no harm. My heart is in Florida."

I have to believe someone mangled this quote. Because I won't believe a guy who can be so successful in basketball could be so obtuse in geography, especially when it's a city next door, especially when he just came from Orlando and was treated as the Second Coming.

Actually I could believe it.

Maybe he wanted to go back to Gainesville because he was afraid of leaving the state. I should think, then, that the University of Florida should be afraid to take him back because he incorrectly thinks he left the state.

It was just a couple of miles down the road, Billy.

Of course, this could be a misquote by the reporter, who mistakenly put 'in' instead of 'at.' If that's the case, then it's even more embarrassing.

Read the article: http://sports.espn.go.com/ncb/news/story?id=2892797

Story to picture: Art, You complete me!

All that's missing is a map of Florida.

(Sorry Billy, the jabs are purely for fun. I give you permission to beat the Tigers again. Maybe that way we can get a new coach.)

Monday, May 21, 2007

Bring Out Your Dead

Kenny Johns respects the dead. He just doesn’t want them lying about near his airport.

Last month, Texas State University provost Perry Moore was finalizing plans to build a 17-acre forensic anthropology research field lab—a ‘body farm’ that would use decomposing human remains to investigate outdoor crime scenes—less than a mile from taxiways at San Marcos Municipal Airport.

But after concerns of circling buzzards, which would threaten aircraft there, and a protracted battle with the site’s neighbors, the university got cold feet. It is now searching for another location for the lab, which will be the cornerstone for the Ph.D. program in forensic anthropology, says university spokesperson Mark Hendricks.

The farm—with up to a dozen bodies in various states of decomposition—will allow researchers to sample materials around the remains to pinpoint time elapsed since death. Texas State University is aiming for a facility by fall semester, which will be the third in the nation, joining ones in Tennessee and North Carolina.

Johns, airport manager at San Marcos Municipal, recognizes the importance of the facility and has no qualms with the farm itself. But one buzzard alone can easily destroy a small plane’s engine and, perhaps even more dangerous, shatter windshields of the larger ones. “And that can’t be ignored,” he said.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Innocence Lost

Some say they deserve no respect, not even a passing glance in a crowd of criminals or a clean place to rest when they die.

Jade Sanders and Lamont Thomas, both vegans, fed their 6-week-old baby boy a diet primarily of soy milk and apple juice. They apparently didn't know it would harm anyone.

Now the baby is dead, and the parents were convicted of malice murder, felony murder and first degree cruelty to children.

For all the questions this issue raises, the answers most likely will be few. For the so-called guilty, it looks like there will be none at all.

An article in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution provides gruesome detail, which might have been all a jury needed to hear. "At six weeks old he weighed just 3 1/2 pounds and was so emaciated, doctors could count his bones through his skin."

The defense maintains the couple was simply ignorant, that they were doing their best while subscribing to a vegan lifestyle, that they knew nothing was wrong until minutes before... The prosecution says it was a chilling case of murder, a prolonged death to the innocent and defenseless.

Before the verdict was issued, there was a discussion. Seven hours of jury deliberation. Seven hours to end with two life sentences...


Friday, May 4, 2007

Foreign Policy: Always Testy, this time Chesty

You know relationships are strained when something as simple as a 3-minute conversation between American and Iranian officials makes the front page of the New York Times.

What did they talk about? No one really knows. But it was important (we're told), if nothing else simply because of the symbolism.

The real attention-grabber, though, is below. Apparently we have uncovered a wrinkle in our foreign policy relations... Some say it should take cover. Quickly.

"Ms. Rice had planned to approach (Iranian Foreign Minister Manouchehr) Mottaki at dinner Thursday evening, held by Egypt’s foreign minister, Ahmed Aboul Gheit. But Mr. Mottaki left the dinner before Ms. Rice arrived — and apparently before eating.

Iranian officials said that Mr. Mottaki was not avoiding Ms. Rice; rather, they said, he left because he considered the red dress worn by one of the event’s entertainers to be too revealing, according to news services.

Today, Sean McCormack, a State Department spokesman, sounded dubious about that explanation. 'I’m not sure which woman he was afraid of, the one in the red dress or the secretary of state,' he said."


It's the End of the World as We Know It

A dagger is slicing through the heart of the print journalism world. Rupert Murdoch is here to add the finishing touches.

Murdoch's News Corporation is positioning itself to buy Dow Jones & Co., parent of the Wall Street Journal, in a potential move that has 'terrified' reporters at the WSJ.

After all, the deal would unite the most prestigious name in business journalism with News Corp. properties such as the Fox News channel, "American Idol" and MySpace.com.

There's something about the above sentence that just don't look or sound right...


Thursday, May 3, 2007

Corkscrew penises and fancy vaginas

To the right is a duck penis. Apparently it evolved that way to get the girl. What's even stranger, the girl wasn't to be outdone. Her vagina evolved also--to spiral in the opposite direction... Some hypothesize this uncooperative genital response, which occurs only in certain species, is a way to keep guys out--quite literally.

Because really, would you want that stanky hang-down all up inside you?

I didn't write this one for the magazine... but it does make me appreciate how twisted, no pun intended, life can be.


Photo Credit: Kevin McCracken

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Leaving Mike, Returning Christine

After 23 years in the LA Times sports department, journalist Mike Penner has decided to make some changes. He'll return after a short vacation as Christine Daniels.

In the overtly public world of journalism, where our thoughts and words are thrown daily into the homes and streets of America, this story, that of transsexualism, doesn't surface often -- especially when it is the reporter making the news.

But Penner's peers seem to support him, perhaps even if they don't quite understand him.

"When I told my boss Randy Harvey, he leaned back in his chair, looked through his office window to scan the newsroom and mused, 'Well, no one can ever say we don't have diversity on this staff,'" he writes today in the Times.

As a sports fan, I don't recognize his name. But I believe now I'll recognize hers...

Penner's justification for the switch? "As extensive therapy and testing have confirmed, my brain was wired female. A transgender friend provided the best and simplest explanation I have heard: We are born with this, we fight it as long as we can, and in the end it wins," he writes.

Good for him for giving in. I know the pressure of being a journalist. I can't imagine facing the world as a transsexual journalist, much less hiding behind a misidentified form for decades.

To read the full announcement in print, see http://www.latimes.com/sports/la-sp-oldmike26apr26,0,588768,full.story?coll=la-home-headlines